Ok, last week we said we were going to lose the weight we need to lose for The Venice Biennale. After all, the packaging of an artists can be just as, if not more important, then the art itself. What we did not count on was our popularity at The Armory Show in New York City last week. We were invited to so many of the ‘right’ parties and the caloric intake quickly added up. Our pledge to you, our loyal fans, may have taken a backseat (and I mean our own growing backseats). Fame and recognition clouded our judgment and made us lose sight of what is really important in life. Eating at openings, no matter how prestigious or trendy the gallery, can result in what we refer to as ‘Cheese and Cracker Ass’. Our right ass cheek is named Cheese, our left ass check is named Cracker. The combination of these two growing life forces combined with many a glass of cheap red wine resulted in More of Us rather then Less of Us. In addition to sampling all the tasty tidbits offered around town, we had to make appearances at all the happening discotheques and important parties. Staying up all night leads to a lack of sleep that leads to bad food decisions. The empty pizza boxes and take out Chinese food containers piling up in our living room are evidence of this. So with The Armory Week behind us it is now the time to make good on our promise to you, our beloved fans, to look as hot as we can, naked, in Venice.

No goal can be executed without a good plan. Just saying we want to be thin has not worked out so well. In order for us to be as hot, naked, in bed for you all, we will spell out what we WILL DO to show you how much we care about you.

First we will throw out the piles of old take out boxes, empty vodka bottles and dirty Ben and Jerry containers from our living quarters. This may be motivated more due to the fact that cleaning lady is coming tomorrow, but nonetheless a clutter free home is a healthy home. We have even taken this purge a step further!! Instead of putting only one or two bottles or pizza boxes in our recycling bin a week (so the neighbors don’t know how bad we really are) we will throw everything in there at once. Let the whole city know how far we have fallen, and then demonstrate to them how far we will climb!!

Secondly we will go to the grocery store, and with a sound mind, buy mostly healthy options for consumption. Fresh fruit and vegetables, whole grains and lots of protein will make it into our carts. Some Snack Pack Vanilla Pudding somehow may make its way into our shopping bags but we promise to eat it right away. A planned diet is the key to unlock our chastity belts.

Third, its time to blow the dust off that gym membership card. Last year it cost us about $100.00 dollars each time we went to the gym. The membership was $300.00 and we made it there three whole times. We pledge to you, our fans, to get our money’s worth this year. The more we go the less we pay. Bargains are just as good of a motivator as the motivation of screwing the man.

Forth, In addition to eating well and hitting the weights, we will finally follow through on returning the emails to the lady trying to sell her exercise bike on Craigslist. Just enquiring if it is still for sale has not yielded the weight loss goals we had envisioned. From now on our home exercise equipment will never accumulate any of our coats or scarves. We will even find a more appropriate place to hang the dog leash. The aforementioned equipment will be used each week while watching ‘Biggest Loser’ and ‘America’s Next Top Model’. No more devouring an large extra cheese pizza while making fun of the extremely fat, sweaty people or the stick-thin, anorexics girls. From now on it will be a handful of nuts and putting the petals to the metal while watching the ‘Real Housewives of Wherever’ overspend their inattentive husband’s money.

We cannot do this alone!! We need your help. Please send us naked, hopefully inappropriate, photographs of yourself so we can see who will be getting naked with us in Venice. The motivation of sex, as well fame and money, will get us to the gym faster and will lead to a better, more confident, attractive Biennial Project. Any suggestions you have are welcome!! Share with us your place to get a really thorough colonic. Tell us what information you have on the newest, best legal or illegal liposuction procedures. Discuss which appetite suppression pills you use that cause the least amount of road rage, don’t prevent a rock hard boner, or at least do not cause heart failure. We want to make you, our fans, very, very satisfied but now the ball is in your court. It is now up to you how attractive we will be. After all it is you looking at us naked at all the orgies in Venice? We need your help to get the hottest sex out of us!!!